I just tried to change the domain name of this website to something more anonymous (studiotheophania). I've done it before. I don't know how. Apparently it's not possible. How did I do it before?!
People will come here for information about my music, because that's my professional identity. That was my original intention for buying a domain name that was just my name -representing a lil musical brand, lil professional offering lil webby site. Like my pals from college. Instead they'll find a website empty except for a blog. What if they read the blog? It's a problem because I'm not exactly ready to represent a coherent professional musical brand. What I really need to do is process.
I was so disoriented upon leaving music school. That disorientation has stayed more or less crystallized in its own moment, while I have expanded - horizontally into all kinds of interesting, less charged musical experiences where I've been able to discover pulses and gasps of my own identity, and vertically as I've just matured and accrued greater perspectives and contexts. I feel kind of healthy now. I feel ready to melt the ice of that old trauma and unleash the, uh, diseases of my old mindset. I feel like I can offer them an environment that will expose them to the light and allow them to transform, heal, or disappear. But in order to do that, I need to channel those old convictions. They need to speak through me, with my voice.
For this to work for me, it has to be in a public-facing situation, like a public blog. That's not to say that a wide chunk of the public has to read it. It just has to be available. If I write it in a private email I will perform for the recipient; if I write it in a journal I won't be committed to it and it will turn into fragmented, chanty stuff. It's certainly not necessary that it be connected so directly to my legal name, which also hauls along my professional identity, poor thing.
I feel very... uncharged about my website. I don't want to drive any traffic to it. I don't want to see how many people visit it. I certainly have much less than zero interest in search engine optimization. Is there a place for this kind of thing in this evolution of the internet? Are there website builders for people who aren't trying to build a business empire, clickfunnels, etc., who just want to hang out? Like geocities. Or livejournal. I don't know. I grew up on the internet. I started on it when I was 11 or 12 and building websites was one of my basic creative expressions. It was more interesting to me than having the correct posters in my room. Everything on the web now is so hungry, for clicks, for engagement. Is there a place for something that is not hungry?
Anyway I want to talk more about processing now. Schumann, a Gemini, famously wrote out of a couple different identities when he wanted to say opinions he wasn't married to. Florestan was more exuberant, Eusebius was critical and monklike. Maybe I should try this - give a name to my poor little traumatized college persona, pretend I'm giving her guest author space on my world-famous blog. The thing is that I consider it quite valuable when people speak publicly about their complex relationships with classical music. Maybe I find it valuable because it validates my own experience, which is encouraging. Courage! That old spell.
When I crack open this pearl I will find some things that were personal issues. I won't be able to see them that way until I explore expressing it, and I am reluctant to write anything I know I won't be able to stay committed to. Courage!
I remember several years ago, my little sister and I were going through the same phase in our deconditioning process. We could not say anything nice about men. In fact we were compelled to say critical things about men in basically each conversation. The odd thing is that we both really like men. We were just undergoing a transformation in our understanding of how the world worked - not so much that everything bad is the fault of men, but moreso that so much malfunction in the world comes from misapplication of male principles as general principles. Wow, what a mature sentiment! I can have that sentiment now, years later. But when you're in the wave as it's cresting, you don't have that perspective. All you feel is an intense, subjective rejection of the status quo, and all you can do is move with the wave.
It reminds me of the time shortly after 2012 when everyone was going through "ascension" symptoms AKA I could not stop burping. I didn't know where it was coming from and there didn't seem to be anything wrong physically and the websites full of channeling I was reading said it was because of ??? the ??? shift. After a while I didn't even notice my burps anymore. Then they were gone. Later, my friend's mom visited our shared house, evidently undergoing her own ascension. Burping all the time and barely noticing it. I mean, I noticed it. I found it kind of alarming. I had to tune myself to her lack of alarm. My comparable experience did not make me as sympathetic as I would have expected. (In general these were not very gross burps.)
Okay, I forget what I'm talking about. Goodnight!